


sunlight & honesty

by sadeyebrow



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: (to the tune of final countdown) IT'S A MENTAL BREAKDOWN, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mental Health Issues, naraku is not a character. he is a receptacle for my problems, trans sesshoumaru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-08 23:10:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8867056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadeyebrow/pseuds/sadeyebrow
Summary: Naraku has this fear of abandonment, you see.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'd like to dedicate this fic to my shit mental health lmao

Naraku woke up that morning alone in their shared bed. He could feel his partner’s absence without  opening his eyes, and panic seized him for half a second before he remembered why Sesshoumaru wasn’t with him.  He hoped Sesshoumaru had just left the bed for an instant, and he would be coming back to say good morning. He needed him today; Naraku wanted to feel him close by. Come back, he thought. As stupid as it was, he needed Sesshoumaru here to reassure him. He needed Sesshoumaru to tell him he cared.

He let out a breath as he looked around, half expecting Sesshoumaru to be standing in the doorway, watching him. It was a Wednesday morning. Sunlight was pouring in through the curtains and the alarm clock read 9:17am. He had slept through the alarm again and Wednesday was the day of Sesshoumaru's early class.That explained why he was missing. He didn't blame Sesshoumaru for going to class, he knew it was important, but part of him was bothered by how Sesshoumaru didn't wake him up before leaving.

He rolled over and reached for his cell phone, wondering if Sesshoumaru had sent him any texts. If he couldn't see him this morning, this would be the next best thing. The screen came to life, showing a background of him and Sesshoumaru, but no new messages. This was alright, he told himself. Sesshoumaru was just busy, and clearly had his reasons for not contacting him yet. He would surely text later. Naraku put the phone aside and pulled the blankets up to cover his face. Today was his only day off this week; since he didn't need to be anywhere today, he might as well sleep longer.

It was too bright in the room, Naraku woke up a few minutes later, and try as he might, he could not go back to sleep. With a grunt, he kicked the covers off his body and went to check his phone. 9:38am and still no new texts. Naraku could feel the old fear set in, and he tried to shake it off. _You're being irrational,_ he told himself. _There's a good reason why Sesshoumaru hasn't contacted you today._ Naraku couldn't imagine what that reason was, but he was sure there was one.

He weighed the pros and cons of getting out of bed. On one hand, he was already awake and had no reason to keep lying there. On the other, he had nothing to do when he got up either, making both options appear equally useless. He decided to stay in bed, wrapped in a blanket and browsing meaningless apps on his phone, until he found the motivation to get up. He checked the time again. 10:12am. A horrible thought pushed its way to the front of Naraku's mind, and he shook his head, as if trying to rid himself of it. _Why did Sesshoumaru leave without saying goodbye? Was there a reason for it?_ Clearly, his phone was not a good enough distraction. He might as well get up now, he admitted. He was just desperate enough for a distraction that leaving the bed sounded like a good idea. He hadn't worn any pyjamas, and although he was comfortable in his nudity, he wasn't sure if his neighbors felt the same way. A thought crossed his mind. Naraku padded across the room and got Sesshoumaru's housecoat out of the closet. It was a cheap substitute for the man himself, but right now it was better than nothing. He brought the robe close to his face, grateful for how it held onto Sesshoumaru's scent. Naraku slipped it on, noticing how tight it was and he thought to himself how he must careful otherwise he'll tear it. Sesshoumaru was not a large man; Naraku stood at least half a foot taller than him. Most days, Sesshoumaru didn't let him near his clothes, but today Naraku needed to feel close to his boyfriend.

Naraku was not lacking in all self-awareness; he knew how ridiculous this scene must look, but he brushed that thought aside as he fastened the robe and stepped out into the hall. His cell phone was in his pocket, and he spent his entire morning routine waiting for it to go off. The anticipation was wearing on his nerves. In the middle of shaving, Naraku felt it vibrate and he jumped, nicking himself in the process. He dropped the razor, letting it clatter against the sink, and dug his hand into his pocket, anxious to hear from Sesshoumaru. But when he opened his phone, all he saw was a notification for a stupid Facebook event. He cursed and pretended he hadn't been so eager to receive a text. 11:02am and nothing from Sesshoumaru yet. Naraku threw the phone aside and looked in the mirror. There was blood trailing down his chin, and he looked as ridiculous as he felt. Scowling, he cleaned himself up with piece of toilet paper. It was dawning on him that today was just going to be a bad day. He was desperate for some attention from Sesshoumaru, and if Sesshoumaru wasn't going to text him, then Naraku might as well make the first move. He chided himself for not doing so earlier. He could have heard from Sesshoumaru an hour ago if he had just stopped worrying and texted him first.

Naraku spent a few moments wondering how to come across as not desperate . He hardly wanted to send a text that said “Hi love, so when you left this morning it felt like you abandoned me, and while I /know/ that's not true I just wanted to check in and make sure you don't hate me and you're coming back home tonight? OK that's all bye.”

In the end he sent a casual “hey how's class?” and prayed Sesshoumaru would respond quickly.

Naraku finished shaving, taking care to be extra cautious this time. He was on edge, he thought. It had been a long time since he’d been this bad. Naraku tried to remember what he did the last time to get him through his rough patch. It was probably something bad; Naraku wasn’t known for having healthy coping mechanisms. Up until two years ago, Naraku’s immediate response to unpleasant situations was to start drinking. He had been sober now for several months, and didn’t want to ruin that streak. Even so, he kept a bottle of whiskey hidden in the apartment. Sesshoumaru didn’t know about it, it was simply there _just in case._

An hour later and Sesshoumaru still hadn’t responded. Naraku was sitting on the couch, unable to think about anything else. He hadn’t eaten breakfast yet; he didn’t _want_ to eat anything. The TV was on but he wasn’t paying attention to it. Today had quickly spiralled into a mess where all he wanted was to hear from his boyfriend. Everything hinged on Sesshoumaru. He didn’t know just how crucial he was to Naraku’s well-being. He was the only one who could rouse Naraku from the state he found himself in now. 

 Naraku checked his phone again. 12:48pm. In a moment of desperation, he sent another text, letting his anxiety shine through. “hi babe, are you okay? can you text back?” He looked at it for a moment, regretting the message as soon as he sent it. “i'm sorry i'm sorry it's just one of those days you know? i love you im sorry”

He didn't want to bother Sesshoumaru with his problems, not when Sesshoumaru was probably busy with classes and whatever the hell else it was he did at university. Naraku tried to watch TV for a while, letting himself get lost in the plot of one of those soaps Sesshoumaru liked, but the distraction didn’t last long.

1:26pm. "hey uh it's bad it's really fucking bad i lied im not okay"

1:31pm. "where are you?"

Naraku had started thinking, going in circles, wondering why Sesshoumaru hadn’t texted him back. His mind was filled with dozens of scenarios that all led back to Sesshoumaru hating him. He put his head in his hands and tried to cast the thought out; it was too unlikely, he told himself, there was no chance Sesshoumaru would actually leave him today. But the more he thought about it, the more he started to believe it. He started trembling. If there was one thing Naraku was afraid of, it was that Sesshoumaru would one day realize he was so much better than his alcoholic, dropout boyfriend and leave without saying a word. Sesshoumaru was the light of his life, and if he left  it would destroy him. Oh, Naraku would keep living, certainly. But he would be hollow, and he would feel like a ghost of himself. Naraku himself  knew Sesshoumaru was leagues above him. Naraku had too much darkness in him to be anything like Sesshoumaru. His criminal record alone made others see him as beyond redemption. But somehow Sesshoumaru had looked past that, and past the drinking and the mental illnesses. He had helped him, in a way that no other person had before. Naraku had never told him this, but he owed so much of his new life to Sesshoumaru. He adored him. Today, he needed to know Sesshoumaru cared for him too.

Why, he wondered, wasn’t he responding?

Naraku went back into the bedroom to find a blanket, then deposited himself back on the couch. He wrapped the blanket around himself, absolutely miserable. Sesshoumaru knew how important he was to him, didn’t he? Then _why_ wasn’t the bastard answering him? Naraku felt an ache in his chest and asked himself why he was so attached to a man who didn’t want to put in the effort to respond to a single text. His grip around his phone tightened and his breathing hitched. He felt himself take a turn for the worse and he cursed Sesshoumaru. He was furious. How dare he ignore him like this? He hated Sesshoumaru suddenly, for not waking him up this morning, for not texting him, for not paying him any attention. Didn’t he see how much Naraku relied on Sesshoumaru? He was convinced Sesshoumaru had left him and that he hated Naraku now. Naraku, in turn, hated Sesshoumaru back. He felt so tired, and all he wanted was to be proven wrong. Anger swept over him and he grimaced.

He remembered his whiskey, and for a moment he considered it before shaking his head.

The tiniest voice seemed to say _you’re being irrational, you know Sesshoumaru still loves you and you still love him._

He wanted to tell the voice that if that were true, Sesshoumaru would have fucking responded already.

Naraku _knew_ he was being irrational, but there was nothing he could do to change his state of mind. Hell isn’t other people, he thought. Hell is being trapped in his own mind. He wondered what it would be like to be mentally healthy. He laughed humourlessly. Naraku, having no experience with that, hadn’t the slightest idea. Pulling his blanket closer around himself, he closed his eyes. In his fit of rage he had worn himself out, and he hoped he would be able to sleep part of this horrible day away. It had been too bright in the bedroom, but the living room was darker and the sun no longer shone directly through the curtains. He curled into a fetal position and hoped he would feel better when he woke up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> splitting, splitting, more splitting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? base fic off of real life experiences? never

He felt numb. This was where he was at, about twenty seconds after waking up. Naraku had a brief moment of respite for a few moments after he opened his eyes, but the events of earlier in the day quickly caught up with him. The afternoon sun warmed the room, but Naraku didn’t feel its effects. He was cold, he was numb. Almost nothing mattered.

Part of him still clung to the hope that Sesshoumaru would reach out to him, not because he still wanted a response from him, but because a few hours ago, it was the one thing he desperately needed. Naraku felt like he should honour the wishes of his past self, although he felt now that it was increasingly hopeless to hear from  Sesshoumaru.

The more he thought about it, the more certain he became that Sesshoumaru just doesn’t matter to him anymore. He used to be his light, but Sesshoumaru had proven that he didn’t care about Naraku. Naraku was no longer thinking that he was overreacting; this was his reality, in his mind Sesshoumaru didn’t care. So he no longer cared for Sesshoumaru.

He was angry at him for leaving, for ignoring Naraku’s request for help. Sesshoumaru knew what it meant when Naraku was having “one of those days”; he knew how Naraku’s personality disorder affected him. Naraku didn't want to split on Sesshoumaru, but here he was, wrapped in a blanket, wearing a housecoat too small for him, hating his boyfriend.

The only thing on Naraku’s mind was a subdued anger. His numbness had gradually worn away, leaving only this soft rage, and an grief about being abandoned. He could feel his pulse quicken and he felt anxious. Naraku could no longer stay here; he needed to get out of this apartment. At the moment, he didn't know if he meant he was leaving permanently, all he knew was he couldn't spend another minute in these walls. He associated this place too much with Sesshoumaru. He couldn't stay.

Swinging his legs off the couch, he threw his blanket aside and stood up. Squaring his shoulders, Naraku marched into the bedroom, leaving his cell phone in the living room.

It took him several minutes to decide what to wear. He didn't want to give off the impression he had just had a mental breakdown, however his fashion sense didn't leave him with many other options. In the end, he threw on in a hoodie and the cleanest pair of jeans he could find. He almost looked like a real human being, he thought as he stared at his reflection. His eyes focused on the logo on the hoodie; Naraku’s jaw clenched as he recognized the insignia of Sesshoumaru’s university. This had to go. He tore off the hoodie and found something else to wear, something inconspicuous and inoffensive to him. It was only now that Naraku realized how many things reminded him of Sesshoumaru. 

If Naraku had been in a better mindset, he would have filled a backpack full of clothes and anything else he thought he might need before taking off, but today he wasn’t at his best. He  _ did  _ have the presence of mind to check if his wallet was in his coat pocket, a detail that impressed him, then took off down the hall. He took the stairs, feeling alive for the first time today as he cleared several steps at a time. By the time he neared the bottom, he was pleasantly out of breath. Naraku felt ready to leave this place behind him. As he reached for the door, he felt for his cell phone, then stopped abruptly. Naraku had left his phone in the apartment. He cursed. Of course this would happen to him. Just as he’d begun to feel some forward momentum, he was being pulled back. He slowly made his way back up the stairs, berating himself for making such a stupid move.

Once back in the apartment, it took him only a few minutes to find his cell phone. Naraku pulled his coat on, double checking that he had everything he needed, then walked out. He decided not to take the stairs again, and instead walked the short distance down the hall to the elevator. He pressed the button and waited. The elevator was still on the ground floor; it was taking its sweet time. Naraku had no idea which one of his neighbors was using it, but he resented them for inconveniencing him all the same. He watched as the dial showed a stop at the third floor, then finally it arrived on his floor, the fifth. The doors opened, and Naraku’s heart dropped. Sesshoumaru stepped out of the elevator and smiled at him. He said something in greeting that Naraku didn’t process. Naraku could feel himself start to panic. Of all the people in the building, he  _ had  _ to run into his boyfriend, the very person he was trying to avoid. The idea of Sesshoumaru had made him want to leave his home in the first place, and now the man himself was standing in front of him, smiling as if nothing had happened. Naraku felt as though he couldn’t move. He wanted to leave. The last thing he wanted was to confront Sesshoumaru here and now.

“You okay?” He heard Sesshoumaru say. “Naraku? Hello? You’ve been standing like that for a while now.”

The idea of being "okay" struck Naraku as oddly humourous. He barked out a dry laugh and looked Sesshoumaru in the eye.

“Check your phone” He said, monotone.   
“My…? Oh shit.” Sesshoumaru fumbled around for a second, setting down his bag and digging into his pocket. He read through the messages with wide eyes. Naraku could sense Sesshoumaru’s anxiety and didn’t feel sorry that he had caused it. Part of him wanted to inflict on Sesshoumaru a fraction of the hurt he had felt earlier.

“I’m so sorry.” Sesshoumaru said after a moment. “I kept my phone on silent all day; I know that’s not an excuse, but know I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose. I can't believe I missed this.”

Naraku could tell from his voice that he meant it. Sesshoumaru’s words comforted him, and whatever anger he felt drained away the longer he was in Sesshoumaru's presence. Naraku felt an ache in his chest upon remembering how he had thought he hated this man. How could he ever hate Sesshoumaru? He was everything to him.

“I-” Naraku started, voice breaking. He took a deep breath, readying himself. He tried again but couldn’t find his voice. He couldn't do much of anything right now, he was too full of conflicting emotions.

“You know what? Let’s get out of the hall. We can talk easier at home.” Sesshoumaru picked up his bag with his prosthetic hand and took Naraku’s arm with his other one.

“Yeah, yeah okay.” It was all Naraku could bring himself to say right now.

Sesshoumaru let them into their apartment and set his bags down in the living room. He sat down on the couch, gesturing for Naraku to take a seat next to him. He took Naraku’s hand in his, a gesture that Naraku appreciated more than he knew.

“How bad was it this time?” Sesshoumaru’s concern was almost palpable.

“Worst one this year. Started great and just kept getting better. Just peachy.”

Sesshoumaru pursed his lips. If he was irritated at Naraku’s sarcasm, he didn’t show it. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. And if you were worried about the same thing as last time, I want you to know I wouldn’t leave you. There’s no way that could happen.”

Naraku nodded, not meeting Sesshoumaru’s eyes, but incredibly grateful that Sesshoumaru had chosen to tell him out loud. Sesshoumaru shifted so he was in Naraku’s line of vision.

“Naraku? I love you, you know that, right?”

Naraku felt a weight lift off his chest and he smiled for the first time that day. He was beaming, and to Sesshoumaru, it was brighter than the sun itself.

“I love you too.” Naraku squeezed Sesshoumaru’s hand to emphasise his point. He felt better than he had all day. He was content.

They sat in silence for a while. Naraku didn’t mind the lack of conversation, he was just glad his boyfriend was back. Sesshoumaru’s presence was soothing, and banished whatever was left of his fears from earlier.

"In the future, do you want me to keep my phone on all the time?" 

Naraku didn't think before answering. "Yes. If it's not gonna interfere with what you're doing. Please keep in contact." Anything to avoid a repeat of today, he thought to himself.

"Of course, yes, I can do that. Don't worry about being needy, this isn't a lot to ask of someone."

Naraku was glad Sesshoumaru was taking the time to reiterate how having him around wasn't a burden. Sesshoumaru had learned how to help Naraku, and he was so glad he had Sesshoumaru in his life.

"So, the breakdown aside, is there anything else you’d like to do with your day off?” Sesshoumaru asked him. 

“I’ve been inside all day. A change of scenery would do me good. Would you want to go for a walk with me?”

Sesshoumaru smiled. “I’d love that.”


End file.
